It's staggering to imagine how Hugh M. Hefner's Playboy magazine gave untold millions of us men our very first glimpse of a pair of naked female breasts. Other than our own mom's, of course.
What? You weren't breastfed as a child? Maybe that explains your attachment issues.
Equally staggering is the weirdly heady effect that mixing video games and nudity has on the male psyche.
It doesn't matter how many terabytes of readily available porn starring actual flesh-and-blood women you can find on the Net - catching a glimpse of digital boobage in a video game has a bizarre degree of titillation - pun very much intended.
So you'd think that a game based on Playboy - that Plymouth Rock to our maiden voyages of sexual awakening - would be a sure thing, especially for those of us who shake our fist in rage at EA for pixellating out all the naughty bits in The Sims.
The reality is, Playboy: The Mansion could be the game that cures you of your digital jubblies fixation once and for all. That is, if Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude didn't already beat it to the punch.
With its campaign mode presented as a dozen multiple-objective missions, the game is essentially a mix of The Sims 2 and a Rollercoaster Tycoon-style business simulation, except here you're managing a magazine and putting the moves on hot women instead of hiring staff to deal with Little Timmy's puked-up cotton candy.
You play as a young Hef, juggling the tasks of making contacts with movers and shakers in the business and entertainment worlds, establishing relationships with busty young babes (several at once, naturally), managing the month-to-month operation of your publishing empire and throwing decadent parties in your sprawling crib.
You also sometimes get behind the lens to play the role of Playboy photographer, which in and of itself ought to be the virtual fulfillment of a fantasy entertained by nearly every heterosexual man on earth. "Ought to" being the key words.
But here's the problem, and I don't care if I come across sounding like a world-class perv for saying it: In Playboy: The Mansion, the girls' bottoms never come off. The lush southern jungles are inaccessible to travel. Canada's national symbol remains hidden. George W. is forever under cover.
Granted, no retailer would touch the already M-rated game if it had full-on nudity, but when you actually hook up with a hot Playmate and have "sex" with her, the disturbing digital dry-humping has even less turn-on value than those softer-than-softcore movies where the women gyrate in orgasmic passion while never actually removing their skivvies.
Playboy: The Mansion does a decent job of presenting Playboy history via real-world content and unlockables, from actual famous Playmates to vintage magazine covers.
And while the magazine management aspect is reasonably engaging, the social interaction lacks The Sims' sly creativity. When you add in virtual photography and sex minus full nudity - well, fellow gamers, maybe there really is no substitute for real-life naked ladies.
That being said, if Tecmo ever does an adult-rated version of Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball, I'll be first in line to get it. And I will learn to play it with my feet.
Let that mental image linger with you a while.
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BOTTOMLINE
A well-meaning but often humdrum knockoff of The Sims and a tycoon-style business game that's not helped by its lack of a truly "adult" presentation.
